In my coaching practice, I frequently encounter individuals desperate for guidance on how to assist their loved ones with mental health diagnoses. The overwhelming desire to help often leads to frustration and confusion. We become so entangled in our thoughts about supporting our loved ones that we overlook the importance of caring for ourselves and managing our minds.
Every individual’s journey with their loved one is unique, but the common thread is the need for self-care. By nurturing our own mental well-being and reducing the drama we create in our minds, we pave the way to provide genuine support to those we care about.
Lessons from Personal Experience
I vividly recall my challenges when my daughter refused to attend school. My initial response was filled with fighting, bribes, and threats- all stemming from my fears and anxieties. I found a path forward when I chose to listen without judgment and manage the turmoil within my mind.
A Practical Exercise to Understanding Our Thoughts and Emotions, First Step in Finding Solutions
This exercise is designed to bring clarity to our minds by understanding the powerful connection between our thoughts and emotions. When we analyze our thoughts and take a moment to recognize the corresponding emotions, we gain valuable insights. This self-awareness enables us to mitigate negative emotions and foster positive ones in any given situation. By pinpointing the thoughts and emotions associated with specific situations, we can cultivate new perspectives that diminish negativity and promote positivity. Throughout the exercise, we develop constructive thoughts and emotions, finding a more profound understanding and ability to look for positive outcomes, ultimately reducing confusion and providing a possible course of action.
The five steps are:
- Empathetic listening and thoughtful questioning
- Identify the facts
- Explore your thoughts
- Ask questions and dig deeper into your thoughts
- Identify your emotions
Let’s do an example of a common issue I see with parents who have a child living with a mental health diagnosis: my child won’t go to school. This exercise can also be applied to other loved ones living with mental illness, like a spouse not able to work or a parent not able to attend special events. And don’t underestimate the power of this exercise for other situations in your life, like relationships, goal setting, and work issues.
Step #1: Empathetic Listening and Thoughtful Questioning
To begin, you have to find out why your child doesn’t want to go to school, and it is crucial to understand your loved one’s perspective. Listening without the intent to fix or lecture, coupled with non-judgmental questioning, can foster a sense of importance and connection. Individuals with mental illness can often doubt the love and care directed towards them; thus, empathetic communication can bridge this gap.
Step #2: Identify the Facts
So often, we confuse our thoughts for facts in a situation. Facts are things that everyone would agree are true. I always use the example of “I’m fat”. You may think that is a fact, but it is a thought. The fact of this situation would be your actual weight or BMI.
Identify and write down all the facts of the situation.
My daughter won’t go to school
- My daughter missed school on Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday this week
- My daughter said she doesn’t want to go to school
- She said she hates school
- She said I don’t listen to her or care about her
Step #3: Explore your Thoughts
I recommend journaling daily to help you get the clutter out of your mind. It is a great way to start to see your thoughts and, as you will see in this exercise, open you up to the deeper thoughts that are causing your stress.
For each fact listed, write down all the thoughts that come up for you.
Fact #1: My daughter missed school on Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday this week
Fact #2: My daughter said she doesn’t want to go to school
- She has to go to school
- It is just part of growing up
- If she doesn’t go to school, she won’t be successful in life
- People will think I’m a terrible parent if she doesn’t go to school
- She might harm herself if I let her stay home
As we do this exercise, we sometimes find that the same thoughts emerge for different facts. The above facts were combined for formatting purposes. You should keep each list of thoughts for each fact separate.
Fact #3: She said she hates school
- Everyone hates school
- We all have to do things we don’t want to do.
Fact #4: She said I don’t listen to her
- I do listen
- I am her mom, and I know what is best for her.
- She should listen to me
Fact #5: She said I don’t care about her
- I love her
- Of course, I care about her.
- Why would she say that?– If, as you are writing down your thoughts, you have a thought that is a question, answer it. Answer = thought. I am always yelling at her.
- I want what’s best for her.
- I want her to have a good life
- I do all these things for her
Step #4: Ask Questions and Dig Deeper into your Thoughts
Ask questions for each thought listed.
We have so many thoughts that go through our minds each day. Most of us don’t know how to truly access our thoughts. Questioning a thought will help you dig deeper and identify underlying thoughts you haven’t yet let yourself outwardly express. During this step, you will find that more thoughts arise while asking questions. That’s OK.
Let’s do an example of one of our thoughts from above.
Thought: She has to go to school.
Question thought: Why? Answer: Truancy laws Question: What are truancy laws?
New Thought: I can’t physically make them go to school.
Question thought: Can I physically make them go? Answer: I could, but it’s not what I want to do. Question: What do I do then? Answer: I can find a different way until something makes them want to go. Answer: I can give up my expectations. Answer: I can let her drop out. Question: Why do I not want to allow that?
New Thought: Going to school is what is expected. Question thought: By who? Answer: Me, Society, Family, and Friends. Question: Why does that expectation matter? Answer: I want her to be successful. Question: Can she be successful with a different path? Answer: Others have been successful without the conventional schooling
New Thought: I’m afraid to leave her alone. Question thought: Why? Answer: She might take her life if she’s left alone and not at school. Question: Could she take her life at times other than during school hours when left alone? Answer: It could happen even when I’m at home. Question: What do I do? Answer: I am getting her the therapy and help she needs for her suicidal tendencies. I can’t make decisions for her.
New Thought: I don’t know how to help her get an education. Question thought: What options are there for education? Answer: I could find an alternative to school for her. I could ask her what she wants. I can ask the school for accommodations to help her. I can give up my expectations around the importance of school right now and focus on her mental health.
As you can see, this exercise keeps growing and growing with thoughts and questions. You will keep doing this exercise for some of the same thoughts. You may not get the answers you want at first. Keep doing it. What this step does is help us identify and get to the root of our thoughts. Getting it out of our minds and onto paper can help us see things more clearly.
Step#5: Identify the Emotions
For each thought, identify the emotion it evokes for you.
Acknowledge these emotions without self-criticism, whether it brings sadness, frustration, confusion, or being overwhelmed or disrespected. Be kind to yourself. Acknowledge that negative emotions are normal, but don’t dwell on the negative feelings. Identifying and processing emotions will bring you growth and a path forward. Remember, you’re only human, and supporting someone with mental illness is a tremendous feat. You are, in essence, a superhero dealing with challenges that require extraordinary strength and compassion. Embrace the courage and strength you have instead of being hard on yourself. You’ve got this!
Conclusion: Empowering Support Through Self-Reflections
In supporting our loved ones living with a mental health diagnosis, mindful thinking is an indispensable self-care tool. We want someone to tell us what to do to manage and help our loved ones, but the answers come from you and your mind. By engaging in exercises like the one above and managing our minds, we can create a nurturing environment where genuine understanding, empathy, and practical solutions can thrive. The journey begins within ourselves – by caring for our minds, we can help guide our loved ones toward a brighter, more hopeful future.